3:17 am Christmas Eve
I am a man. I might not physically have balls anymore but I am a man. I believe in making the world a better place. I believe that everyone on earth is equal. I believe that God created us in his image to be beautiful.
But "society" or the general population of which actually doesn't really exist....has destroyed it.
Society has taught us that men are bigger, more perverted, dumber, and selfish.
That same society has also taught us that women have to be pretty to be worth something, they have to succumb, they can't be more than mothers, and that they are weak, hormonal, and aren't useful for much more than nagging.
That same society neglects Gods teachings, that both men and women have the same weaknesses and strengths because we are all human.
I feel trapped. I was born as a "girl" and people expect me to be weak and hormonal, and prone to stupidity. I, being a HUMAN cannot possibly be expected to live in such a narrow box as that. If being a woman is about being loving, kind, and gentle, THATS BULLSHIT. I have been raped by women, abused by women, degraded by women, and have been a "woman." Don't get me wrong, I have had brilliant friends, teachers, and mentors teach me that at long last women aren't the scary little ho bags I thought them to be. But still, I have 2 hands that can only count a portion of people, memories, and scars left by Gods "weaker" beings. (Again women aren't weaker, they can attack worse than men and especially because you expect it least from women the shock is stronger).
I feel pressured. Because I don't want to be a girl I became a guy. Thats got a heavy load on it too. Im expected to be strong, brave, never show emotion, to be sex crazed, to be apathetic. But that goes against my better nature. I haven't had the best role models with men either. Men are NOTORIOUS for being evil, and creepy, and aloof. I know first hand that side of men. But the good ones aren't dealt the better hand either. I have my biological father who loved me enough to go to rehab and change his ways (I didn't learn this until a year ago),I have my stepfather who carried ke through hard times with my mom and treats me like a little girl (albeit my disgust for being treated as one of humankinds weakest beings.....) so I know he cares.
So from what I've gathered is that men and women are both capable of raping me, abusing me, hurting me. But they both have helpes me, loved me, carried me, and taught me that life isn't so bad. The only things that differentiate them are their not so important genitals....and their mindset.
I might not have physical balls but I believe that I don't need them (Unless that little shithead wife of mine decides to get a vagina in the meantime). Changing my body is like running away from what I fear most. I believe that I am strong, a leader, a motivator, a person who uses logic over hormones 9/10 times, and I believe in taking care of the people around me, and working hard. That's why I AM a man. I have morals and I have grit.
I have a vagina, both fortunately and unfortunately. Running away from that would be like leaving a piece of me behind whether I want it or not. I am patient, I try and be gentle, I practice empathy, and I try. So I guess a little piece of me will always be a girl.
But in the end if your a person who thinks about their gender more than they should then, you aren't looking in the right direction. The question isn't whether or not I want to be a man or even get a dick, the question should be how can I be a better man? How can I be a better PERSON and use my God given attributes to help the people around me. If you focus on your gender too much and allow it to become an obsession then your forgetting the one thing you really need to be doing.
Serving God and each other.
Yours Truly- Max Cubix
